Balancing my Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy While Seeking a Meaningful Relationship
Being a homosexual male in my late 40s, I’ve spent numerous, largely pleasurable years engaging in casual sex with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I was in a committed partnership which continued for four years, but I never felt completely content, because I felt neither loved nor sexually nourished. The fact is that I have always craved casual sex. Every time I begin to date a potential partner, once the newness fades, an impulse arises to have sex with new partners once more.
Questioning the Possibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to sustain a monogamous relationship. I understand that numerous homosexual males have non-monogamous arrangements, but when I’ve witnessed them, they appear demanding, often causing lots of pain and jealousy for everyone involved. In many ways, I desire another man to care for me while allowing me to remain sexually free, but I fear the emotional drain this might create. Should I just continue to have spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I feel somewhat confused.
Every person’s sexual journey varies. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your ability to tolerate different types of intimate connections in a finite way. Your needs in your current state could easily shift down the road; at a certain time you might become more decisive and discover some clarity and a suitable route … or not. At some point you could encounter a person who provides a transformative opportunity to you through mirroring your desires completely … and at another point you might decide that non-committal encounters are best for you. Fretting over what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is merely rooted in fear and squandering of your efforts. Try to be present in your relationships, and see the worth of every individual you connect with intimately a sexual connection. If and when you are ever ready to strengthen genuine closeness with one partner, it will be clear.
- The psychotherapist is a American psychotherapist focusing on treating intimacy issues.
